Ryan

It was past 11 pm, I knew I had to get up at 5:30am the next day but I couldn’t tear myself away from the music and dancing. It was march 3^rd, a Wednesday which is open stage night at Sadhana. As the performers finished and volunteers trickled off to bed a small group was left playing the drums, guitar, singing and dancing. I was loving it. I was starting to feel a little more comfortable at Sadhana and really embracing all the happiness and love of the community. Ahuva (our group leader at the time) called me over and told me she got an e-mail from my mom and that she thinks I should call Jill. It seemed like a very strange message and I  immediately assumed something happened to Jills family so I called my mom on skype. It only took a few words to completely change my life.

One of my closest friends, Ryan Hawks, had died three days earlier in a skiing accident. Because I was enjoying my time in a new place I had had no desire to check my e-mail, so I missed the e-mails from friends trying to get in touch with me. All of a sudden I was lost, minutes before I was embracing the love of community and suddenly I felt so alone. It was unbelievable really, impossible to fully comprehend. I was hundreds of miles away, in a whole different world. How could something like that really happen, how could it happen to the most amazing guy I know? I was so thankful to have a few good friends from LeadEarth that were there for me, but it wasn’t the same. They didn’t know Ryan, I couldn’t talk let alone try to explain how special he is. For the next day I was lost, not wanting to believe, not knowing what to do. I tried to keep busy by attempting to work, it didn’t help. I wanted to run and hide, I wanted to go back in time.

Due to the fact that it was already four days after he had passed away, and that had just arrived at Sadhana and the vast distance and costs to get home it I didn’t even think it would be an option to fly home. But when Marianne and Maya asked if I wanted to go home, I said yes of course I just didn’t think it was possible. After a few early morning eastern standard time phone calls home I determined that my parents would pay the costs and that the service was scheduled for Saturday. I was a wreck and couldn’t function properly but Marianne and Maya planned everything for me. Buying my plane ticket, letting me borrow money when I forgot my pin number (which has been the same for the past 4 years),  they even rode the 3 ½ hour bus ride to the Chennai airport at 9pm so I could catch my 2:30am flight to Dubai, then NY then Burlington Vermont. I can’t express how thankful I am for their love and support, I know that I wouldn’t have made it home without them. It was by far the hardest time of my life and even though I only knew them for one month they took care of me like family.

For the next few weeks (and still sometimes now) I felt as though I was in an alternate reality. Going from Sadhana Forest, a sustainable community in India, back to the winter of Vermont to mourn and celebrate the life of someone I love so much was intense to say the least.  But I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity to go back to VT to be with friends and family.

I am not going to go into too many details of my time home other than it was a really important time in my life. It was a life changing opportunity to be able to share the grief and the love of Ryan with friends and his family at such a time. He is an incredible guy, words really don’t do him justice. Though Ryan and I were only close for the past few years, I feel so so lucky that I was able to share such a special relationship with him. I have not lost Ryan, there is no hole in my heart where he once was. He will forever be a part of who I am. Ryan changed my life by showing me love. Though he died far too young, he lived his life to the fullest every single day. His compassion, kindness and unwavering positive attitude radiated through any room in entered.

I will never understand or stop mourning his death, but like Ryan would have done I will see the positive in the worst. After seeing how hundreds of people were affected by the genuine compassion Ryan had it made me realize that to make a positive impact in the world I don’t need to travel around trying to end poverty or stop global warming. Ryan changed the world just by being himself. I can easily say that I am a better person for knowing him. I will take his compassion, kindness, happiness, joy, adventurousness, smile, laugh, heart, curiosity, openness, friendliness, strength, determination, confidence everywhere I go. I don’t want to be Ryan, but I want to be the best me I can just like he would have wanted. His death helped put life in perspective, and though I would do anything to have him back again, all I can do is move forward with his spirit by my side.